In three short weeks I will be heading back to Italy and I couldn't be more excited. And nervous. I have a fear of flying (among other phobias). Some days I'm giddy knowing I will be reunited with my friend who moved out there. Other days my stomach starts turning. It's crazy that I worry so much about something that hasn't happened yet, but now you catch a glimpse of my mind. I'm a constant worrier. My friends and family have all pointed out how unhealthy this is for me. I've tried to talk myself out of it, but sometimes that makes things worse. My anxiety has gotten the best of me, and I wish I could find a peaceful solution to my troubles. I've resorted to tears because of it.
Today is one of those bad days. I decided to blog so I could get my mind off of it.
The last week in February was a difficult one for my family. My mom's husband passed away on a Monday night. He was buried that following Saturday. So much goes on in planning a funeral. Luckily, my mom and her husband sorted out all of the details beforehand. He wanted to make sure they took care of everything so my mother wouldn't be overwhelmed. Looking back I am grateful he did this for her. She was a mess. It was one of the hardest things I've witnessed. Seeing my mother break down, walk around in a daze, looking confused, etc. It hit her hard, even though he was in hospice care for 10 months! She was not ready for him to go.
After he was laid to rest, things got very quiet. I tried to sleep over my mom's but I'm very allergic to her dog. My asthma was going crazy. So I visited as much as I could that week. Then it was back to work for me. Me and my brothers promised we would do our best not to have her alone too long in the house. Out of the blue, her job called her to come back. She was laid off from New Year's Eve and now business was picking up. She told them what had happened, and they gave her some time to mourn, but of course, needed to know a definite answer if she was going to return at all. I really hate how insensitive they have treated her, but I was surprised she wanted to come back sooner than I thought. I'm assuming it was getting hard for her to be at home all the time. She needed something to do.
The funny thing is, once she returned, she didn't handle it well at work. She felt tired and overwhelmed. She felt people were talking about her; staring at her. It was very hard for me to hear her on the phone crying. She didn't know what she was doing. Everyone I talked to told me the same thing over and over again, "these things take time". But what do you do about it in the meantime? How do you make things better for your loved ones not to experience so much emotional pain?
Unfortunately, there is no answer. I started to get affected with what was going on with her. I felt incredibly guilty, selfish, sad, and most of all, helpless. It was as if I was watching her slowly drown and I couldn't do anything about it. All I could do was be someone she could confide in, but not being able to respond to any of her questions. I prayed a lot for the pain to go away. I found myself crying at work. I didn't expect this to happen. I thought everything would be better once her husband passed away mostly because he wasn't suffering anymore. But now SHE was suffering. She was suffering without him and there was nothing we could do about it. We couldn't bring him back.
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