Scowflow Lounge

Do you the funny thing about my life?  Sometimes things would go surprisingly well, and then out of nowhere, the ball drops.  I absolutely HATE this about myself.  I was very stressed when I flew to New York, but once I came back, I felt I had a better outlook once again.  And then, BAM.  I get completely knocked off of my feet.  A lot of times, I feel I bring this on myself.  I am the common denominator in all of these scenarios, so I can’t ignore the fact that I might have something to do with this.  It’s frustrating, because I never get to enjoy the good times for long.  There’s always something lurking around the corner.

These past few years on my own, have been much tougher than I anticipated.  I never realized how much I depended on my ex to help me keep going whenever things would get bad.  Going through hardships without him have shown me what a great support system I had before.  Now that I’m on my own, I miss that so much.

I am very fortunate to have good friends around me, but it’s those dark moments when I’m alone in my apartment that get me every time.  The insomnia, the nightmares, the burst of tears out of nowhere are haunting me once again.  It makes me miss New York so much.  That weekend was a sweet surprise and now it feels so far away. 

The following weekend after I saw my friend at Baptise and Bottle my mom decided to share some news that I was not fond of whatsoever.  Since then, our relationship has been strained, but we’ve managed to talk around our issues.  I’m hoping for the new year things would be different between us, but for the most part, our relationship has always been up and down.  I am coming to terms realizing that this will probably be the way it is forever since it’s never been a smooth ride with her.  I’m sharing this information with anyone out there that might be having a hard time this holiday season.  This will pass.  Luckily next year is right around the corner, and I vow once again, to hope for better things.

I wasn’t feeling very sociable after hearing my mom’s news, but a friend wanted to take me out for a drink at Scowflow Lounge.  I wish I had opted to stay in, but he was hesitant, and I agreed to it.  For the most part, this bar was in Bucktown and it was packed.  Luckily we got a table and were seated next to the fireplace.  I loved it because I’m always cold, and at one point, a server came around and was serving freshly baked cookies.  This was a nice touch and it made me feel a bit better.  Sometimes it’s the little things that can make a hard moment not seem so difficult. 

Time Flies When You're Having Fun...

Happy Friday world!!  I took a trip down memory lane yesterday by looking at some photo albums off my Facebook page.  Boy does time fly!  I was quickly saddened by all the changes that occurred in such a short amount of time, especially from 2011-2012.  I saw pictures of me and my ex, my other friend with her husband.  We all looked very happy together.  Obviously me and my ex broke up not long after and my friend and her husband are currently separated.  I found a group picture of a woman who passed away last year.  She is one year older than me.  The weird thing is we are still  going through the motions from those years.  You don't have enough time to adjust before something else happens.  It's the sad reality of life.  It DOES move fast, and sometimes staying afloat is all you can do.  I left work bummed out, only to receive a silly video text from someone currently on vacation.  He is truly living it up out there!  It made me feel warm inside knowing he's enjoying his time off.  Embrace it, I thought to myself.  You never know what's around the corner that can change your whole life.
Last week was a short work week due to Martin Luther King Jr.  I took down all of my Christmas decorations.  I am pretty satisfied with the my holiday décor and am looking forward to what retail shops will be offering up next winter.  It's a joyous season, but now that we're in January, my focus is mostly shifted to my resolutions:  what I would like to get out of the upcoming year.  Since I'm aware of the changes that have happened in my life in the past, I really want to manage my money better and build up my savings.  For what?  Who knows.  But at least I can get a head start with the financial aspect of it.
I did some damage control over the weekend.  I'm not proud of it either.  It is a reminder to me to not get too carried away for it to become a habit or else I'll really be in big trouble.  What started out as a simple dinner plan grew into a full blown night out on the town.  I wasn't prepared for staying out so late, especially since I already had plans the next night for a birthday party.  UGH!!!  Regardless, who can resist Union Sushi and some cocktails?  Yes I am guilty of such, but I DO want to tone down the nightlife scene.  We made our way to Concord Music Hall to check out Morgan Page and Borgeous only to end up at The Mid later on to catch the same show!  LMAO! 

 The Skinny Geisha Cocktail!

I'm not a fan of oysters, but I DO love how they garnish these at Union!

We ordered a lobster and had this dish FIRST! 

The lobster bisque came SECOND!  This was DELISH!!

Finishing up the last of the lobster via rolls...

HUGE turnout for Morgan Page and Borgeous...

These guys were a fun crowd...

I can't believe we went out after this show.  No pictures of The Mid because my phone died out.  We didn't stay long...

New Year's Eve!! New Year; New Me

I'm FINALLY recapping the end of 2015!!!  lol.  I'm glad I've reached this point so far.  The past 2 years of writing my thoughts down has led me to reveal a couple of things in my life.  It took me a while to feel comfortable discussing some issues since there's been so many changes with me within the past 5 years.  What's hard sometimes is right when you think you've weathered a storm, another one comes along and changes everything.  The hits keep coming.  I miss the days when everything seemed carefree.  Now I look back and wonder how I manage to survive all of this.  I know I haven't had it hard as others.  I know there could be far worse things in the world to deal with.  But we all know when you're going through tough times, you feel isolated and lonely because you feel you're the only one in the world going through this.
Well you're not.  I went through a bad breakup 3 years ago.  Not to mention, it didn't happen overnight.  It was a slow motion of unraveling revelations, about him, about me, about us.  Trying to discuss it with my friends seemed pointless.  Up to then, most of them haven't settled down with anyone yet.  They had no idea how much it hurt.  Of course they went through breakups in the past, but my ex boyfriend was "the one" to me.  He was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  What happened?  I was blindsided that we reached that point of no return.  It hurt a lot and it took some time for me to feel ok to move forward.  Mostly because I did not know what the plan was for me anymore.  It was always me and him, and now it's me trying to figure what I want to do next.
The first 2 years without him hurt a lot, but the following year, I started to feel comfortable within myself.  I was having a good time with my friends again, and we did a lot of things together that year.  Then Spring of 2014 happened, and my mom found out that her husband had a terminal illness.  The rest of the year was watching him deteriorate to basically nothing when he finally passed away in Feb 2015.  Death is a process, too, just like a breakup, but the effects are forever haunting.  I realized how blessed I am that my ex is ok because I saw how hard it is for my mom to not see her husband again.  I want my ex to be happy.  I also am pulling for him to find his happiness since it wasn't with me. 
Now here I am, 5 years later, trying to make sure my mom doesn't feel lonely, seeing my friends settle down with weddings, children, and moving in together scenarios, and me with my blog.  I remember jotting down the crazy things going on in my life and thinking, how did I end up HERE?  I think for the most part, we've all figured out that life isn't necessarily the way we thought it would be.  But for me, the only choice I have is to keep going.  Change is inevitable.  Whether you like it or not, it happens, and we have to adapt.  I know it's hard when you want things to be "easier" on you, but let's fact it.  Life isn't easy, but it can be beautiful.  Trust me.
It's been a little over 3 weeks since New Year's Eve.  I hope everyone out there are on track with their resolutions!!  The days leading up to New Year's was a little scattered.  First up, I started to feel yucky.  My throat was feeling funny.  I was tired.  And the text messages started to come in.  What were my plans?  Where was I going?  My first thought was home to take care of this sore throat.  The last thing I wanted to do was get sick on New Year's Eve.  I knew for a fact I did not want to be out somewhere crazy because of the last couple of years' craziness.  I wanted to feel safe and sound and with the company of friends.  My girlfriend who had her baby back in July was hosting a gathering at her place in the suburbs.  I agreed to spend it over there.
I ended up dressing up although most were dressed down.  lol.  I guess I should have asked first what was going on.  We watched the countdown live on tv, played games such as Family Feud, and joked around the rest of the night.  I felt content that I made the right choice by celebrating low key, but it was there I also had an idea for a New Year's resolution.  Now it's time to work for it! 

Our friends are now having families!  It's crazy!!

Mother and son and me

Good times with the girls! 

Group shot!

Life as we know it...

The news is the incident that happened in California was an act of terrorism.  Again.  I'm beginning to wonder if Life will always be like this.  Recapping on my trip to Paris and Italy makes me want to go back and visit.  Maybe there's things that I missed out the 1st time around?  The people.  The culture.  Here in the states we've had two recent mass shootings as well as controversy in Chicago politics.  You don't trust everything you see, hear, read about, etc.  Is there a cover up?  Whose telling the truth?  Which politician should you vote for in the upcoming election?  What have they promised?
A few years ago I suffered a heartbreak.  I wondered if I could ever trust a man again.  It's even leaped over to my friendships; my family.  It messes with your head (and heart).  You don't want to open up.  It's a lonely way to live.  I personally have learned, at one point or another, at one moment in time, someone I've loved, friends and lovers, mother and father, have hurt me deeply.  Some intentional, some unexpected.  Some unaware.  It's a fact of life for me.
People have given me all types of advice, noting my sensitivity and kindness will make people take advantage of me.  What a thought.  When I'm nice to someone, they will hurt me.  Not really the motto I go by, but I've ignored it either way.  Why?  Because deep down, I believe people are good.  And if they're bad, well then, some outside force has messed up their persona.  Just like fear, hate is taught as well. 
What then, do we do in the meantime?  I use to think, I'll live my life accordingly, thank you very much.  But now, because of these horrific incidents, one after the other, I'm jumpy ALL THE TIME.  Just as we speak, there will be another protest in downtown Chicago today.  I'm tired.  I need a vacation.  Oh yeah.  Guess not since traveling is a scary thing now.  What gives?
On Friday I went out to celebrate my friend's birthday.  And it's just what we need.  To celebrate something!  FINALLY!!  I couldn't wait to see my friends and laugh and dance and drink JUST FOR A FEW HOURS before we head back to the way Life is now, as we know it.  Scary.  Sad.  Full of bad people trying to manipulate you.  Put fear in you.  Change you into something that you're not. 
On that last Saturday in Italy, I had to catch a 5:30pm train back to Rome.  My flight was leaving the next day, but it was the only train I could take out of town.  There were no more trains later in the evening.  I figured I'll hangout at the airport like I did last year and wait for my flight.  That's the frustrating thing about traveling.  Sometimes the schedules just don't line up.  Oh well.
I packed up my belongings and made sure I had everything.  My friend suggested we have a big lunch since I will be riding on a train for 4 hours.  Good idea!  She also suggested we stop by the winery and say good bye to some of her friends before I head out. 
We went to La Fossa del Grano for a late afternoon feast.  I ate so much, but I couldn't help it.  Everything was so good.  We ate here last year so it was nice I got a chance to dine here before I left.  My anxiety was getting the best of me once more.  We had some wine to calm my nerves, but I knew tomorrow was going to be the worst of it.  Oh well.  What can you do?
We got a call during lunch to remind us to stop by the winery.  This time, we were to meet up at the countryside location.  I got a chance to say bye to some friends, and snuck in a quick tour while I was there.  It was bitter sweet saying farewell, but I wasn't gone yet.  I had a  4 hour train ride ahead of me.
I mostly stayed up while I rode out.  Once I got to Rome, I found out that the train that takes us to the airport had stopped running for the night.  To make matters worse, I was almost out of cash.  My friend had lent me some money but it turns out to take a cab out to the airport would cost me 50 euros!  I guess it's not so close by as I thought.  I figured I'll break night til the morning and wait for that airport train.  My flight wasn't until 11am, so I had plenty of time to kill.
Well my "stay" at the train station was an eye opening experience.  There were people all around me, doing the same thing.  Waiting up for the early morning train to start running again.  We eventually got kicked out of the station around 2am.  The security guards escorted us outside and didn't let us back in till 4:30am.  I stood outside with my luggage nervously while people slept on the floors.  There were some rowdy party goers that will walk by from time to time making some noise.  There were also strange individuals that would scare me from time to time.  Some people can be so odd!  I hated every minute of it. 
At one point, there was an African sleeping on the ground nearby as I waited for the station to open up again.  He was snoring loudly as if he was sleeping on a California King bed.  He stretched out and said "God is Good" and continued to sleep.  I smiled to myself and said, yes he is...

My last meal in Italy.  Pesce con pasta.  SOOOOOO GOOD!!

Time for a tour at the winery!

Can I take a barrel home with me???

I had a blast! 

There's also a farm at the winery.

Check out the size of those peppers!

Yummy!  It smelled like heaven!

Ending July with an Act of God...

UGH!!!  One of the most frustrating things that could happen to someone!  A pipe burst.  And to happen when I was at work.  I started to cry when my landlord called me.  I couldn't believe it.  To make matters worse, it was early in the morning too.  Around 8:30am.  I cringe just thinking about it.  Mostly because you feel helpless.  Mostly because you wonder why me?  My landlord called me back to explain the situation once he soaked up all the water.  He said it was an act of God.  But what did that mean? 
Sometimes in life, you wonder why certain things happen to you and not someone else.  Were you "chosen" to go through this?  What did this experience teach me?  Why was a pipe burst an act of God?  There will always be pivotal moments that will be unexplainable.  What matters in the end is how you react to these unfortunate incidents.
Let's face it.  We've all heard how bad things happen to good people.  Being "good" offers no protection from Life's misfortunes.  It's a terrifying reality that we face daily.  There are times when I think my life is pretty boring, but then I quickly remind myself that it could change in an instant.  It  could change into something I'm not ready to handle yet. 
At the time, my co-workers calmed me down a bit.  They re-assured me that my apartment is pretty old, and things will break down from time to time.  It happens.  That made me feel a bit better because they were right.  What was once new will become old.  This can be applied to ourselves as well.  We all will die eventually, this we know.  But how and when is the question. 
If it weren't for my friends at work, I would have been a mess for the rest of the day.  I went home early to see the damage myself, and luckily it wasn't so bad.  My landlord placed a bunch of fans around and left the air conditioner on to dry up the humidity in the apartment.  Unfortunately, my neighbors downstairs had it worse than me, which to this day I feel pretty guilty about it.  This affected other people and I couldn't help but feel responsible.  Since it happened on a Thursday, I stayed with a friend at their place that night, but on Friday when I came home from work, I went straight to the gym.  My apartment was noisy from all the fans that it sounded as if I had a  jet engine running!  I was getting aggravated.  Luckily my girlfriend wanted to grab some drinks at a rooftop bar.  I figured that will kill a couple of hours.  I showered up and ran out of there because I started to get a headache from all the noise.  We ended up at Kensington Roof Garden and then went downstairs to where Parliament Nightclub was located once it got late.  Due to the noise ordinance in Chicago, most rooftops are closed by 11:30pm.  We danced for a bit then headed to Room 7 and ended our night there.  I was happy my friends were around to hangout with me.  I had the fans running the rest of the weekend, and by Monday night, I felt my place had dried up enough to turn off the fans and air conditioner.  I had to get rid of a bunch of stuff too.  Mostly things that were under my bathroom sink.  Oh yeah, the water that was spilling all over the place was hot water.  Go figure...

Kensington Roof Garden was a great place!  Me and my friends had a great time there...

Checking out the scene at Room Seven...

A hot night in July but we made the most of it...

March Madness Part 3

The best part of my March experience was definitely St. Patrick's Day Saturday.  Every year my girlfriend throws a fun house party at her place.  Since she was going to relocate to California soon, she wanted all her friends to come by for one last fiesta.  Last year on St. Patrick's weekend was when we got the diagnosis on my mother's husband.  He had been staying at the hospital for 2 weeks running tests, but at this point the doctors told us there was nothing they could do.  He was later released that following Monday.  I thought a lot about the past year and how long he held out for my mom.  It was over now, but my mother was having a hard time adjusting to life without him.  I missed all of my friends.  I wanted to see them so badly.  I had gone out for drinks earlier in the month, but felt so alienated.  I was getting depressed myself.  I wanted to snap out of this funk, and this was the day I chose to make that happen.  Of course, afterwards, I still had problems socially.  Looking back at it now, I'm glad I shared this day with my friends.  They truly make things easier dealing with tough times.  So much has happened since then with all of us.  Life has a way of showing you how much time flies.  It always moves forward, with or without you, so you might as well savor every minute of it!

My girlfriend had a baby back in January.  She decided to stop by with the baby!

Posing with the baby to celebrate her first St. Patrick's Day party!

Loved how we all decorated ourselves to celebrate! 

The host cooked a wonderful meal for us!  So yummy!  Btw I don't drink beer, hence the wine I picked up for myself along the way.

Finished up at the Charleston Inc bar.  It was a crazy night but I had so much fun!

February in a nutshell...

I'm finally re-capping February, and in a nutshell, it was the most difficult month to share.  My mother's husband was sleeping more than usual, but his body was undergoing changes that was hard to grasp.  I kept low key for the most part.  My real dad had a family dinner at his house for my brother's birthday.  It was nice being able to see my dad and his wife.  My brother appreciated the gesture considering everything that was happening to my mom.

Check out my brother's smile!  He loved his birthday dinner...

 

 

 Puting on a brave face at Kincades for Fat Tuesday

 

The following week my friend gathered up a small group to celebrate Fat Tuesday.  It was freezing that day but that didn't stop us from having a drink to catch up.  By this time, the mayoral election was the talk of the town in Chicago.  It definitely helped to step out for a bit to clear my mind up.  I was super tensed by this point.  The following week on Monday my mother's husband passed away.  My mom noticed that his breathing was changing, so she called her brother and his wife to come by for support.  Once they showed up he stopped breathing.  I was coming home from work myself when my aunt called me to tell me what was happening.  It was a chain reaction.  I called my brothers and we all headed over to my mother's.  I truly believed God was with us that day.  He knew my mother couldn't handle being alone when he passed.  For that I'm forever grateful in love and prayer.  He brought us there to console her.  He brought my family together...





Time heals all wounds...

Since I'm still technically behind 6 months of posting, it's coming to the point where it got dark for me and my family.  The thought of my mom being a widow has been stuck in my head for a couple of years now.  Her husband survived 3 heart attacks in the past 6 years.  As soon as he turned 50 years old, his health changed.  I think our health is something we sometimes take for granted.  He LOVED red meat, was a smoker, and basically ate whatever he wanted.  I'm not sure if he regularly exercised, but he was also out of work for some years, so he stuck around the house from then on.  Since he was diagnosed from April 2014 of a terminal illness, he did get into a depression.  It was starting to sink in for him that his time was running out.
My mom got in a panic mode because she wanted to be by his side all the time.  The problem was he sometimes wanted to be left alone.  He grew agitated and angry and would take it out on her.  His body ached.  He was growing weak and everything hurt.  I knew he was physically suffering, but mentally he was too, and it was affecting my mom as well.  She would look at him helplessly.  All I could do was try to brighten up the mood but he looked annoyed if anything. 
I would struggle going over there to visit.  I felt as if I shouldn't be there at all; that my presence was making things worse.  Sometimes my mom would tell me not to come by.  He was having a bad day she would say.  It's not fair to tell someone to lighten up when they're dying.  It's not a justified thought at all.  For some months it seemed normal to come by and check up on both of them.  But once the holidays hit, he was growing thinner and thinner, and we knew something was happening again.  To see a man deteriorate the way he did was the hardest thing I've ever witnessed.  To see my mom cry to herself was the hardest thing I've ever witnessed also.  He was suffering and there was nothing we could do.  He hated taking morphine, but at least he would knock out for hours.  He was barely awake now.  The tumor was coming out of his nose.  His tears would bleed.  This was not how things were suppose to happen. 
I was growing angry.  Angry to the point that I knew what was happening wasn't "fair".  Why is he going through this?  That's a dangerous mindset to enter, but I was going there.  In a spiritual sense, it doesn't make things easier when you start questioning God.  If anything, you're stepping out of line.  But it happens.  It happens to a lot of people when Life isn't fair, but it's important to remember that we ALL WILL BE TESTED AT ONE POINT IN TIME.  Tested by a higher power.  Tested by your sanity.  Tested by loved ones.  It's a fact of life and how you handle it will determine the outcome.
I'm writing this today because 6 months ago I was angry.  But it passed.  This whole ordeal DID pass. Although my mom is still adjusting to her new life without him, IT PASSED.  Time does heal all wounds.  We weathered this storm but it was a long one for us.  Never lose hope that things won't get better because they do.  All you need is FAITH and it WILL pass...