For the most part, my dad was absent when I was a kid. My parents divorced when I was eight years old. Things got kind of messy because I remember my mom saying bad things about him. Whether or not they were true about him, I wouldn't know, but one thing DID stand out and that was the fact that he was never around. Period. I remember him visiting us one or twice every 6 months at first, but then it turned into years, and he would disappear. My mom really needed money from him, but he did not pay child support. She would try to call him at work, but he would not pick up the phone. There were moments when she worked two jobs to support us. I was still pretty young. It was a nerve wrecking time for us because she would leave us alone a lot to be at work. This was back in the late 80s and the laws were less strict because divorce was not as common as they are now. My mom eventually hired a lawyer, and in the end, they brought my dad to court. If he didn't agree to pay for back pay, he was going to go to jail.
My mom won the case and my dad indeed DID pay for back pay child support. But by now I was already 18 years old. I was already an adult. It was a bitter sweet victory for us, but he still did not come around as much.
I moved out of my mom's apartment when I was 20 years old. I got my own place with my boyfriend at the time. Little by little my dad started to pop back into our lives, but I was over it. I had my new life and I was a young adult ready to move things forward with my boyfriend. Eventually our relationship fizzled out 5 years later, but I refused to move back home. I had too much pride in asking anyone for help. I ended up moving in with two friends of mine temporarily.
My brothers started having a relationship with our father. I was confused because I had no desire to spend time with him, but my brothers jumped at the chance whenever he called. As time moved on, I basically saw him whenever it was convenient for me and never made the effort. I was too busy, or really didn't care to see him as well. What for? I needed him back then when I was a kid, not now as an adult.
When I reached 31 years old, my dad brought us together and told us he wanted us to come with him to Puerto Rico to meet the rest of our aunts and uncles. I wasn't interested, but my mom took me aside and told me to go. "You don't understand. I just never thought he would come back. You should meet them." I was taken aback. I didn't realize I was holding it against him that he wasn't around most of my life. I was holding a grudge, and my mom was telling me to let it go.
How do you let it go? So many emotions come to mind, but I was surprised she was telling me this. Especially since she always made him sound bad. In actuality, I really didn't know my dad very well. Maybe this trip was a way to get to know him and see what he's about.
When me and my brothers went to Puerto Rico, one thing that stood out the most was how "surprised" people were whenever our dad introduced us as his children. They had no idea he had a family. I didn't know what to make of it at the time, but looking back, I wonder why he hid us in the first place. What was it about us that made him disappear?
I did enjoy meeting our aunts and uncles, and listening to stories about their upbringing. My grandfather (my dad's dad) passed away pretty young at 45, so my dad ended up taking over taking care of his mom and the rest of his brothers and sisters. To this day, he still sends money over there to support them financially.
As to why he never did this with us is still a mystery to me. For the most part, my mom told me when I was a young girl to take care of myself and to support myself because "men leave". From that moment on, I never relied on anyone to support me financially. I tried figuring it out myself. I sometimes had a part-time job for play (makeup; clothes) as well as my full time job (rent, bills).
Now that I'm older, I'm still figuring out where to file certain people in my life. It's a hard decision to make sometimes when people hurt you. Sometimes all they teach you is how hurtful people can be, plain and simple...
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| The men in my life... |
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| My aunts and uncles from Puerto Rico. My Dad has a huge family out thee that never moved to Chicago... |
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