The hoopla of the holidays sometimes gets the best of us. I was feeling drained at one point attending too many things at the same time. Once Miami came out of nowhere, I was certain things were going to look up this year. I felt happy and confident of the year ahead of us.
Now it's a different story.
The first full week in January I was still recovering from my weekend getaway. I started work that Tuesday, but by the time I reached the weekend, I just wanted to relax. I caught up with a friend over sushi and told him about my trip. It was nice recapping my moments with someone.
That 1st Sunday I was ready to start my week off at church. Another friend of mine wanted to hear the details of my trip and we met up afterwards for brunch. We talked about the transitions both our moms are facing being a widow. My mom lost her husband almost 2 years ago, and his mom lost her husband last year. It was interesting discussing their challenges.
Then it was back to work. I felt confident starting the new week fully rested since I kept it low key over the weekend. I didn't really notice anything different at work. But then something didn't feel right. Right before I left that day, I had an uneasy feeling.
The following day, there were major layoffs at my firm. I had to excuse myself to go to the restroom to cry in the stalls. I saw people who were my friends get escorted out. Some employees have worked together for over 20 years. It was one of the hardest days I had to deal with in a very long time.
For the rest of the week I cried every morning. I couldn't wait until Friday. I was going to have dinner with my family to celebrate my step brother's birthday. I just wanted to be with my family.
By request he wanted to have dinner at Cortland’s Garage in the Bucktown neighborhood. I was skeptical because my mother wanted to go and I think there was some confusion at first. My older brother was under the impression we were going to a restaurant, but I knew better. I was worried that if it was indeed a pub, it might be too noisy for my mom. She has been recently diagnosed with having tinnitus and has a hard time hearing in loud environments. Although she is losing her hearing, there is a constant buzzing in her eyes which amplifies when there is loud noise involved and it makes my mother very uncomfortable until the point it becomes painful for her. I prayed I was wrong but like I said, I knew better.
We walked into the pub and they were playing rock music on their speaker system. She insisted she was fine but I feel she was just saying that so we could continue along with the party. Next time I warned my brothers that we have to be more considerate.
Our step brother was glad we showed up, and then his family came once we were seated. We had a good group going and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Then my mother started to express her feelings over the holidays. How hard this year felt as oppose to last year. How much she misses her husband. I never realized how depressed she had been feeling up to this point. She mentioned how this was the first year she didn’t put up a Christmas tree because of how difficult it’s been without him. I felt defeated.
I knew right then and there, that there was nothing I could do to make her feel better. All she wants is for her husband to be here and that is impossible. The times I tried to take her out of the house and do different things did not make those feelings go away. I sat speechless.
In the end, we loved our burgers and our step brother seemed happy we were celebrating with him. For that night, that is what mattered the most. As for the rest of the weekend, I stayed low key again. I was pretty worn out with everything that was happening at work and with my mom. Martin Luther King weekend was a moment for me to try to unwind. And then Trump took office…
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