March Madness Part 5

Looking back on March, I had many ups and downs.  My mom went back to work and was having a hard time adjusting.  Her doctor suggested she go see a therapist which made me feel horrible.  I was hoping she was handling things better.  After all, she did just lose her husband.  How else was she suppose to act?  But her everyday life was becoming a struggle to make it through the day.  She felt she had no purpose.  What was the point in anything now?  As much as it bothered me about her going to therapy, I had to put my thoughts aside and recognize that she did need this.  She needed to talk to someone who was better suited with depression, and they did prescribe her some medication.  I was hesitant about that as well, mostly because she is in her 60s and I did not like how she acted when she was on them.  She was not her normal self.  She was heavily medicated.  I cried every night as if I lost my mother for good.  Luckily they prescribed her medication short term, and eventually she grew tired of going all the way downtown for her sessions.  She quit therapy in a few short weeks.
Do I think she still needs therapy?  I'm not sure.  Yes, things are better now, mostly because time helped with that.  I try to call her every night to make sure she does not feel lonely.  My family has stepped up and tried to make sure they visit her as often as they can.  She keeps herself busy doing work around the house and keeping her dog company. 
Finishing up the month of March, I had yet ANOTHER birthday party to go to in the middle of the week.  I loved the fact that we had a good turn out.  It was nice to catch up to our friend who recently came back from Mexico with his girlfriend.  And then we celebrated my dad's birthday at his place.  His wife cooked a wonderful meal and we all had a good time.  Despite the loss we had with my mom's husband, we still have a father who was turning 70 years old!  We need to celebrate those precious moments with each other.  On Palm Sunday I went to church with my friends and we headed down to Chinatown to have brunch.  I felt blessed to have spent time with my loved ones...

Girl in the purple always arrives at the last minute.  Better late than never!

Happy birthday friend!

 

Happy birthday Pop!

Good times with the family...

Chinatown brunch for Palm Sunday!

I love my friend's family!  They always have a smile on their face!

March Madness Part 4

After celebrating St. Patrick's Day with my friends, I had a baby shower to attend the next day.  It was held at the Ukrainian Village Cultural Center.  I have to admit, I was a bit hungover, so I arrived a little late.  I was glad to see my former roommate and her family.  I lived with her many years ago, but we still keep in touch from time to time.  It was nice to see everyone doing well.  I finally felt better after I ate some food.  I ended up joining in with the fun activities.  Baby showers can be so much fun if you can get everyone to participate in the games!

Sitting in for some goofy pics!

My girlfriend is expecting twins!

My former roommate and her son.  My has he grown!

 



The following week was a tough one for me personally.  It was suggested by my mom's doctor that she goes see a therapist.  My heart sank when she told me over the phone.  For some reason, I was hoping what my mom was going through was "normal" and that things were going to get better soon.  But hearing those words from her made me realize that she was not handling his passing well.  She was having trouble sleeping at night.  She now was working but felt overwhelmed at times.  I would talk to her on the evenings to see how she was holding up, but sometimes she told me things that would break my heart.  Her pain was deep and I was helpless.
I told my friends what was going on, and they seemed optimistic about therapy.  They looked at it as a positive thing.  I was having a hard time seeing it that way, but looking back I was emotionally drained.  I couldn't feel optimistic about anything.  I missed my old life.  Feelings of guilt would rush in from time to time.    Even though I would escape by hanging out with my friends, I would come home feeling incredibly guilty.  How could I be so selfish when my mother was suffering?  I didn't know what I was suppose to do, suppose to feel, suppose to act.  I would look at my younger brothers and felt they weren't around as much.  I needed them to step in and check up on my mom more often.  I was getting angry at them because I was handling her breakdowns on my own.  "Well, you know how guys are," my friends would tell me.  What was that suppose to mean?  I'm the daughter so it's my job emotionally to be there for her?  I couldn't comprehend.
I went out with my friends for dinner one night to catch up on things when our other friend texted us to see if we wanted to go out.  Fedde Le Grand was playing at Parliament nightclub right down the street.  I jumped up and got excited.  I forgot how if felt to get excited about anything.  I LOVE dance music, and he was definitely a good dj to see.  Unfortunately I was the only one up for it, so I met up with my friend.  I had fun dancing.  I almost forgot how miserable I was earlier in the week.  Sometimes you need these breaks to take away the pain from time to time.  It won't change your situation, but it does remind you how wonderful life can be...sometimes.

Got a chance to say goodbye to a friend before she headed off to China for work!

We don't know the girl in the middle but she was fun...

Fedde Le Grand playing in the background.  I had fun dancing that night...

  

 

 

March Madness Part 3

The best part of my March experience was definitely St. Patrick's Day Saturday.  Every year my girlfriend throws a fun house party at her place.  Since she was going to relocate to California soon, she wanted all her friends to come by for one last fiesta.  Last year on St. Patrick's weekend was when we got the diagnosis on my mother's husband.  He had been staying at the hospital for 2 weeks running tests, but at this point the doctors told us there was nothing they could do.  He was later released that following Monday.  I thought a lot about the past year and how long he held out for my mom.  It was over now, but my mother was having a hard time adjusting to life without him.  I missed all of my friends.  I wanted to see them so badly.  I had gone out for drinks earlier in the month, but felt so alienated.  I was getting depressed myself.  I wanted to snap out of this funk, and this was the day I chose to make that happen.  Of course, afterwards, I still had problems socially.  Looking back at it now, I'm glad I shared this day with my friends.  They truly make things easier dealing with tough times.  So much has happened since then with all of us.  Life has a way of showing you how much time flies.  It always moves forward, with or without you, so you might as well savor every minute of it!

My girlfriend had a baby back in January.  She decided to stop by with the baby!

Posing with the baby to celebrate her first St. Patrick's Day party!

Loved how we all decorated ourselves to celebrate! 

The host cooked a wonderful meal for us!  So yummy!  Btw I don't drink beer, hence the wine I picked up for myself along the way.

Finished up at the Charleston Inc bar.  It was a crazy night but I had so much fun!

March Madness Part 2

During the 1st week of March my girlfriend celebrated her birthday at a neighborhood bar called Schubbas in LakeView.  I normally don't go out in the middle of the week, but I figured it wouldn't be too bad if I went and caught up with my friends.  I really didn't drink much that night.  I practically babysat my cranberry & vodka.  The birthday girl was planning on moving to California in May and she really wanted to see everyone for one last birthday fling.  We had some laughs.  I was glad to have a moment where I didn't think so much on what was happening with my mom.  I needed this little getaway, even though people noticed I wasn't very talkative.  I just needed to hear how everyone else was doing.  I was excited for my friend.  She was very hopeful that things were going out for her in California.  She was getting tired of the cold weather here in Chicago.  Me?  I really haven't noticed...

I decided to wear a bright scarf to lighten up my mood.

The following Friday my girlfriend invited me to another birthday party.  She called me up hysterical as well.  She saw a mouse in her apartment and ran right out the door.  Looking back, I felt bad for her because she was really shaken up.  We went to her friend's party and stayed out all night.  I was babysitting my drink again.  Didn't feel so sociable, but again, felt better than staying home moping.  Sometimes real life drama is better than what's on tv.  This was a nice place too.  A tapas restaurant called Bulerias also in LakeView.  My girlfriend stayed the night.  It was nice having company for a change. 

Closing out the restaurant...

It was fun listening to travel stories...

March Madness

In three short weeks I will be heading back to Italy and I couldn't be more excited.  And nervous.  I have a fear of flying (among other phobias).  Some days I'm giddy knowing I will be reunited with my friend who moved out there.  Other days my stomach starts turning.  It's crazy that I worry so much about something that hasn't happened yet, but now you catch a glimpse of my mind.  I'm a constant worrier.  My friends and family have all pointed out how unhealthy this is for me.  I've tried to talk myself out of it, but sometimes that makes things worse.  My anxiety has gotten the best of me, and I wish I could find a peaceful solution to my troubles.  I've resorted to tears because of it. 
Today is one of those bad days.  I decided to blog so I could get my mind off of it. 
The last week in February was a difficult one for my family.  My mom's husband passed away on a Monday night.  He was buried that following Saturday.  So much goes on in planning a funeral.  Luckily, my mom and her husband sorted out all of the details beforehand.  He wanted to make sure they took care of everything so my mother wouldn't be overwhelmed.  Looking back I am grateful he did this for her.  She was a mess.  It was one of the hardest things I've witnessed.  Seeing my mother break down, walk around in a daze, looking confused, etc.  It hit her hard, even though he was in hospice care for 10 months!  She was not ready for him to go.
After he was laid to rest, things got very quiet.  I tried to sleep over my mom's but I'm very allergic to her dog.  My asthma was going crazy.  So I visited as much as I could that week.  Then it was back to work for me.  Me and my brothers promised we would do our best not to have her alone too long in the house.  Out of the blue, her job called her to come back.  She was laid off from New Year's Eve and now business was picking up.  She told them what had happened, and they gave her some time to mourn, but of course, needed to know a definite answer if she was going to return at all.  I really hate how insensitive they have treated her, but I was surprised she wanted to come back sooner than I thought.  I'm assuming it was getting hard for her to be at home all the time.  She needed something to do.
The funny thing is, once she returned, she didn't handle it well at work.  She felt tired and overwhelmed.  She felt people were talking about her; staring at her.  It was very hard for me to hear her on the phone crying.  She didn't know what she was doing.  Everyone I talked to told me the same thing over and over again, "these things take time".  But what do you do about it in the meantime?  How do you make things better for your loved ones not to experience so much emotional pain?
Unfortunately, there is no answer.  I started to get affected with what was going on with her.  I felt incredibly guilty, selfish, sad, and most of all, helpless.  It was as if I was watching her slowly drown and I couldn't do anything about it.  All I could do was be someone she could confide in, but not being able to respond to any of her questions.  I prayed a lot for the pain to go away.  I found myself crying at work.  I didn't expect this to happen.  I thought everything would be better once her husband passed away mostly because he wasn't suffering anymore.  But now SHE was suffering.  She was suffering without him and there was nothing we could do about it.  We couldn't bring him back.
 

February in a nutshell...

I'm finally re-capping February, and in a nutshell, it was the most difficult month to share.  My mother's husband was sleeping more than usual, but his body was undergoing changes that was hard to grasp.  I kept low key for the most part.  My real dad had a family dinner at his house for my brother's birthday.  It was nice being able to see my dad and his wife.  My brother appreciated the gesture considering everything that was happening to my mom.

Check out my brother's smile!  He loved his birthday dinner...

 

 

 Puting on a brave face at Kincades for Fat Tuesday

 

The following week my friend gathered up a small group to celebrate Fat Tuesday.  It was freezing that day but that didn't stop us from having a drink to catch up.  By this time, the mayoral election was the talk of the town in Chicago.  It definitely helped to step out for a bit to clear my mind up.  I was super tensed by this point.  The following week on Monday my mother's husband passed away.  My mom noticed that his breathing was changing, so she called her brother and his wife to come by for support.  Once they showed up he stopped breathing.  I was coming home from work myself when my aunt called me to tell me what was happening.  It was a chain reaction.  I called my brothers and we all headed over to my mother's.  I truly believed God was with us that day.  He knew my mother couldn't handle being alone when he passed.  For that I'm forever grateful in love and prayer.  He brought us there to console her.  He brought my family together...





End of month closing

I can't believe July is coming to a close.  I swear time travels quicker than before.  I'm always amazed at the change of events that happen in such a short amount of time.  I can't imagine what my mom must feel like.
Back in January, it was apparent that time was ticking against us with my mom's husband.  He was sleeping longer.  He was barely awake at times.  His tumor was peeping out of his nose.  He was getting very thin.  At times my mom would break down and tell us how hard it was to see him like this.  It made everyone feel helpless.
Since I started the new year with some new resolutions, some of them stayed the same as past years.  Stay healthy.  Continue to workout.  Be a better daughter to my mom and spend more time with my family.  But I also included to treat myself to at least something new and exciting, once a month.  I was already getting the winter blues.  I needed to spice things up for a minute, and that's when Sam Smith came into town.  Best thing I've done so far in 2015! 
But as the month of January was closing, one of my good friends wanted to have a big birthday bash to also spice things up.  We joke that her birthday is in the dead of winter, but I like her spirit in planning a birthday party.  She decided to have it at Drumbar which is located at the Rafaello Hotel. 
I wore a purple lace dress with black tights and heels to the party.  I have the dress in black (which I wore on New Year's Eve) and loved it so much I got it in purple.  I'm not big on dresses.  I have to REALLY like a dress in order to buy one.  I've definitely rotated my dresses over the years, and have always taken great care of them because they've lasted so long.  I take care of my things.
Anyway, the birthday girl treated herself to a bright green BCBG dress and was the belle of the ball.  I loved seeing all of my friends.  It was fun.  It was also freezing that night, but it was nice to have such a great turn out for a January party.  We drank well and danced around and had a blast.  I've made some wonderful memories that night, trust me.  lol