This year I felt really old. Not the way I use to feel old, (not being able to wear certain clothing, hating my crow’s feet, thinning of my hair, etc.). Something else was happening. I kept thinking about my past such as:
things I wished I had accomplished
remembering people that have passed
my ex-boyfriend
jobs I used to loathe
trips I have taken over the years
It was as if I was lying on my death bed recapping my life’s moments one by one. Of course certain memories stood out, but it I just couldn’t stop thinking about them. I never before have done this for such an extended period of time. It was lasting a few weeks and for the most part, I was the person who always was anxious about what was to come. This time, I was looking back and it was triggering my depression.
The night before my birthday I got my Facebook notifications from my friends aboard wishing me happy birthday. I have to admit, this was nice considering they were waking up at the other side of the world and I was falling asleep. I felt good knowing I shared wonderful travel moments with them. I ended up working my birthday, too. Normally I would have taken off but I didn’t want to be at home that day, let alone plan something special for myself. I needed to turn off my mind and work, and that’s what I did. In the evening, my friends called me up to talk and check up on me. I again, enjoyed that a lot. I was also honest with them. I told them this year it was hard to celebrate. If anything I want them to know that turning older isn’t always a fun celebration. Sometimes you want to tune out.
One of our friends was in town that Thursday and we made plans to catch up with the girls over dinner. Of course, my friends surprised me with a birthday flan. Lol. In the end I did make a wish. But it was nice not celebrating me this year…
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